Rednecks Rule!

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto.
The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the little woman about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.

If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
.

Redneck Church

1. You know you're in a Redneck Church if:

The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

2. You know you're in a Redneck Church if:

People ask when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

3. You know you're in a Redneck Church if:

When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering, " five guys and two women stand up.

4. You know you're in a Redneck Church if:

Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

5. You know you're in a Redneck Church if:

A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of"

6. You know you're in a Redneck Church if:

The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

7. You know you're in a Redneck Church if:

In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

8. You know you're in a Redneck Church if:

People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.


9. You know you're in a Redneck Church if:

The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized "Wheeling" washtub.

10. You know you're in a Redneck Church if:

The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.


11. You know you're in a Redneck Church if:

The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.


12. You know you're in a Redneck Church if:

Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.

13. You know you're in a Redneck Church if:

The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

14. You know you're in a Redneck Church if:

The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

15. You know you're in a Redneck Church if:

"Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.

16. You know you're in a Redneck Church if:

The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear".


God Bless and don't fergit ta say yer prayers!

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